My List

Amy inspired me. My dad always said that if you want something, you should write it down and then you'll get it. My family did that with my house. We lived in a kind of shitty rented house because we didn't want to buy a house again until we found the "house of our dreams." (Is "the house of ill repute" actually something or is that just a phrase that's randomly in my head?) Anyways, we made a list: big back yard, finished basement, circle pathway on the first floor so you can run around in it, master bedroom with bathroom, office space, etc. And then, within a year, we found that house. It's where my family lives now. Except I don't have a bedroom there anymore but that's another story...

So, my list. I've decided that my problem (my one and only, right? ha!) in life is that I keep settling. Especially when it comes to dating people. I will date someone who likes me because I'm flattered. I don't realize that at the time, of course, but deep down, that's what happens. And time and time again, I stop being interested in the whatever-it-is because I wasn't actually interested in the first place. WELL THAT'S ABOUT TO STOP. So there. Ballnanzadotcom.

My list:
-Funny: they need to get my sense of humor and I need to get their sense of humor
-Good dresser
-In good shape
-Someone who takes care of him or herself (i.e. doesn't drink too much, smoke too much [my two most recent ... things], isn't self-destuctive, mentally or physically, etc...)
-Smart: this is a funny one though; I'll elaborate on it later
-Interesting: I can't date someone who isn't passionate about something, like a hobby, or a sport, or their job, or something
-Attractive: I don't care if the world finds this person attractive. But I've gotta think he or she is a good looking person. Or I can't do it. Is that shallow? Maybe. But I think it's just human nature...
-Outgoing: I don't want to constantly worry about doing introductions, making sure someone I'm with is constantly entertained even if we're with new people. I want someone who is outgoing and can survive independently in a group of my friends.
-My friends have to like a person I'm going to date. I've tried to do that thing where I tell myself, "They just don't understand..." but seriously, my friends know me better than I know myself and... they're always right about people. Before I know.

As far as guys go, I also (and this is very very very high on my list) need someone who is taller than 6' and dark haired.

With regards to the smart thing: I need someone who will get the nerdy side of me and who will have a nerdy side. But I also need someone who is street smart. Someone who will initiate conversation, physical contact, ideas for dates, etc. Something I've said before that I think applies nicely is the following:

I have a sweatshirt that has a calculus joke on the back of it. I think it's absolutely hilarious. And very few people I associate with on a regular basis get it when I explain it, let alone can figure it out on their own... So when someone does appreciate it, I'm pleased. However, the ideal guy for me would be a guy who would see it from afar, figure it out, get it, and think it was brilliant. Then, they would have the balls to come up to me and tell me that they liked my sweatshirt and ask me out based on looks and evident wit alone. This is my grand plan. And secretly when I wear my calc sweatshirt, I hope this fantasy is going to happen.

And I hope it won't be a creepy old man.

This Heart's On Fire

Lives. It's not only a vague compilation of autobiographies of people who nobody cares about, it's the title of a hilarious book that is so vague it makes me piss my pants.

The truth is that the actual events of all of our lives are going to eventually be blurred, not only by our own perspectives and the perspectives of others, but by the entirety of history, because there are billions of people out there who will never know of our existence, and we will never know of theirs, and there are things that their entire lives revolve around that are obsolete to the rest of the population. I think it's incredibly comforting that there are a billion people out there who I could love, who would understand me and I them, but our lives aren't big enough to hold all of them, and we only have so much time, and we have to focus on the important stuff that notifies us that we are really, in fact alive.

Here are the things that do that for me:

1. Laughing so hard I have to sit down
2. My dear, absolutely dear, friends
3. Loud, loud music
4. Fierce dancing
5. A beautiful poem
6. My parents

And I'll find a person that I have to put on that list, and they'll have to be on that list or else it would be lying. But I haven't found that person yet.

Which is what makes this following situation ok.

There's this guy who I like for no reason, and he has every reason to like me, which he's listed to me over and over again, but he doesn't like me. I just don't do it for him, and he doesn't do it for me. So we're not together. And he told me all that, but wouldn't say that it was final, and wouldn't say that we're not going to be together, because he didn't want to completely end this confusing thing we've had going. But I did, and so I made him admit it throughout his unsure- stuttering-head-shaking-repeated use of the phrase, "I don't know,"-speech.

And it's fine.

I want someone who will do the unexpected things for me that I'd do for them, and mean it over and over and over again, and I'd mean each single one, too. I've started doing things instead of thinking about how great it would be if I do them, and I am the kind of person who will write notes on Jimmy John's paper and leave them on your car, and I'm the kind of person who will walk over really late at night and kiss you in the hallway when everyone else is asleep.

I want someone whose brain I absolutely love.

And I want someone that I can lie in bed with and listen to music with and take over the world with, even though I'll never see most of it. Because the people who have overtaken my former world of insecurity and loneliness and uncertain slowness into something sure and bright and fast are the ones who make me remember who I am and what I want. Thanks, guys.

Funny shit:

"Lives"
Ending sentences with, "an epic poem by," or "a play by"
Feeling as if we are in absurdist plays
Mistaking someone you don't know for someone you do know
Returning the wave of a person who is actually waving at someone else and then feeling unpopular, and then laughing because of it, and looking weird
My dad's voice messages
Adam Shalzi's blue and white man costume

ballnanzadot com dot com dot com is taking over the world

You think I'm lying. I'm not. THE WORLD, I SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to Kinzie.

It is cold outside. But a nice kind of cold.

Sup

The tone for this blog has been set to smarter than I am, since you used the word "shan't," and I would've typed "shain't".