This Heart's On Fire

Lives. It's not only a vague compilation of autobiographies of people who nobody cares about, it's the title of a hilarious book that is so vague it makes me piss my pants.

The truth is that the actual events of all of our lives are going to eventually be blurred, not only by our own perspectives and the perspectives of others, but by the entirety of history, because there are billions of people out there who will never know of our existence, and we will never know of theirs, and there are things that their entire lives revolve around that are obsolete to the rest of the population. I think it's incredibly comforting that there are a billion people out there who I could love, who would understand me and I them, but our lives aren't big enough to hold all of them, and we only have so much time, and we have to focus on the important stuff that notifies us that we are really, in fact alive.

Here are the things that do that for me:

1. Laughing so hard I have to sit down
2. My dear, absolutely dear, friends
3. Loud, loud music
4. Fierce dancing
5. A beautiful poem
6. My parents

And I'll find a person that I have to put on that list, and they'll have to be on that list or else it would be lying. But I haven't found that person yet.

Which is what makes this following situation ok.

There's this guy who I like for no reason, and he has every reason to like me, which he's listed to me over and over again, but he doesn't like me. I just don't do it for him, and he doesn't do it for me. So we're not together. And he told me all that, but wouldn't say that it was final, and wouldn't say that we're not going to be together, because he didn't want to completely end this confusing thing we've had going. But I did, and so I made him admit it throughout his unsure- stuttering-head-shaking-repeated use of the phrase, "I don't know,"-speech.

And it's fine.

I want someone who will do the unexpected things for me that I'd do for them, and mean it over and over and over again, and I'd mean each single one, too. I've started doing things instead of thinking about how great it would be if I do them, and I am the kind of person who will write notes on Jimmy John's paper and leave them on your car, and I'm the kind of person who will walk over really late at night and kiss you in the hallway when everyone else is asleep.

I want someone whose brain I absolutely love.

And I want someone that I can lie in bed with and listen to music with and take over the world with, even though I'll never see most of it. Because the people who have overtaken my former world of insecurity and loneliness and uncertain slowness into something sure and bright and fast are the ones who make me remember who I am and what I want. Thanks, guys.

Funny shit:

"Lives"
Ending sentences with, "an epic poem by," or "a play by"
Feeling as if we are in absurdist plays
Mistaking someone you don't know for someone you do know
Returning the wave of a person who is actually waving at someone else and then feeling unpopular, and then laughing because of it, and looking weird
My dad's voice messages
Adam Shalzi's blue and white man costume